So Much To Do, So Little Energy & Time

Well, I had planned to be productive this afternoon and study, but my whole body is aching and my head is swimming. The thought of reading countless articles for my essay is EXTREMELY unappealing, so I have decided to give myself a couple of hours just to be and then I'll see if I'm up to doing some study.


These past few weeks have been mayhem - with University, the Rugby World Cup, health problems, among other things. Uni's wrapping up for the year now. I've only got two more weeks of classes to go, but in that time I've got 2 essays due, 2 journal assignments to finish, a test, and exam preparation to do. This last week I got an infection in my foot, either in the bone or a joint, which made me feel like my bone was broken every time I moved. I managed to go to classes like this for two days but after crying all through my lectures and not taking in a word of what was being said, I was convinced that it was better if I went to the Doctors and then stayed home. I've been on antibiotics for the past week and the swelling seems to be slowly going down, although my foot is still bright red and really sore. (If I can work out how to do it, I'll include some photos of what my foot looks like at the moment).


On top of this, it's currently the Rugby World Cup 2011 which is being hosted by New Zealand. The games are spread between Auckland, Wellington, Dunedin and then a number of little towns across NZ. They held auditions a number of months ago for people to sing the national anthems at the games - and I was chosen! I've sung at 2 games so far, and have another 2 games to go. I've got the New Zealand vs. Canada game tomorrow afternoon, and then a Quarter-Final game next weekend. It's absolutely exhausting and the effort of simply getting onto the field for the game is enough to make me want to cry from pain, but I made the decision to stick with it. I mean, how many opportunities will I ever I have to do something like this? As painful as it is to do it, I think it would have been more painful to sit at home, and think about what I missed out on because of my health. It's been a lot of fun, and I've met some great people - other singers, and also rugby players!


The other exciting thing that's been happening is that the group of us here in NZ with CRPS/RSD are having a weekend away over Labour weekend. We've been planning it amongst ourselves and it's going to be such a blast hanging out with a group of people who understand this pain. It's given me something to look forward to for when I finish up at University this trimester. My last assignment is due on 21st October, and then I have an exam on the 9th November, so I have quite a bit of time to study for my exam when I get back from our weekend trip. It's so nice to have something to look forward to and to get me through the next couple of weeks. Not long to go now!


Anyway, I should best go and try and get at least an hour's study done while my pain is somewhat bearable. Let's hope I can finish my journal before I need to rest my body!

Playlist

• Set Fire To The Rain - Adele
• Bring On The Wonder - Sarah McLachlan
• The Story - Brandi Carlile
• Get Through - Mark Joseph
• The Chain - Ingrid Michaelson
• Scream - ZOEgirl
• Long Red Hair - Vermillion Lies
• One More Time With Feeling - Regina Spektor

A Letter To CRPS

Dear CRPS,


When I sat down at my computer this afternoon I thought to myself, "Today I'll write a letter to CRPS, giving it a piece of my mind." Easier said than done. I have spent the last hour trying to put my feelings into words - 7 years of emotions and unspoken words are now weighing upon my mind and heart. It's hard to say those things that you haven't said before.


If I have any question for you CRPS, it's "why me?" It sounds childish, but it's true. Why me? Thousands of people injure themselves every day and come off with minor injuries, and yet when I twisted my ankle, you came into my life. And you weren't happy just staying in my right leg, either. As a healthy 13 year old at the time, it seems incredibly unfair that you decided to attach yourself to me and now won't leave me alone.


I've lost so much since getting CRPS - my freedom, being able to play the saxophone, going out with friends, playing golf, sleeping! Every day is a battle, and nothing comes easily any more. Getting out of bed requires superhuman strength. Smiling through the pain is a near impossible task. Because of you, I have to take so many pills every day, and I've had to accept that the life I wanted to live is a far cry from what I am able to live. Part of me hates you, CRPS.


And yet, as crazy as it sounds, part of me wishes to thank you. I'm not thankful for the pain, nor any of the symptoms or health complications I've got because of you. But I am thankful for the fact that from having CRPS I think I've become a better person. I'm stronger, more grateful for the smaller things in life, and more empathetic and compassionate towards others. Because of you, I found God. And because of you I've met some of the most amazing people in my life. The friends I've made who have CRPS are so special to me and have kept me hanging on through all the pain and difficulties of a life with chronic illness. I don't know where I'd be without them, so thank you, CRPS, for bringing them into my life.


I don't know why you chose me all those years ago, and I'd do anything to not feel this pain. My friends are I will keep fighting you and we'll keep hanging on until someone finds a way to get rid of you once and for all.


Until then, yours sincerely,
Ailsa.


Playlist

• Someone Like You - Adele
• Coming Home - Skylar Grey
• Wait - Jason Webley
• Sandy Fishnets - Evelyn Evelyn
• Blessed Be Your Name - Newsboys
• Not Alone - Darren Criss
• Death Whispered A Lullaby - Opeth