When I sat down at my computer this afternoon I thought to myself, "Today I'll write a letter to CRPS, giving it a piece of my mind." Easier said than done. I have spent the last hour trying to put my feelings into words - 7 years of emotions and unspoken words are now weighing upon my mind and heart. It's hard to say those things that you haven't said before.
If I have any question for you CRPS, it's "why me?" It sounds childish, but it's true. Why me? Thousands of people injure themselves every day and come off with minor injuries, and yet when I twisted my ankle, you came into my life. And you weren't happy just staying in my right leg, either. As a healthy 13 year old at the time, it seems incredibly unfair that you decided to attach yourself to me and now won't leave me alone.
I've lost so much since getting CRPS - my freedom, being able to play the saxophone, going out with friends, playing golf, sleeping! Every day is a battle, and nothing comes easily any more. Getting out of bed requires superhuman strength. Smiling through the pain is a near impossible task. Because of you, I have to take so many pills every day, and I've had to accept that the life I wanted to live is a far cry from what I am able to live. Part of me hates you, CRPS.
And yet, as crazy as it sounds, part of me wishes to thank you. I'm not thankful for the pain, nor any of the symptoms or health complications I've got because of you. But I am thankful for the fact that from having CRPS I think I've become a better person. I'm stronger, more grateful for the smaller things in life, and more empathetic and compassionate towards others. Because of you, I found God. And because of you I've met some of the most amazing people in my life. The friends I've made who have CRPS are so special to me and have kept me hanging on through all the pain and difficulties of a life with chronic illness. I don't know where I'd be without them, so thank you, CRPS, for bringing them into my life.
I don't know why you chose me all those years ago, and I'd do anything to not feel this pain. My friends are I will keep fighting you and we'll keep hanging on until someone finds a way to get rid of you once and for all.
Until then, yours sincerely,
Ailsa.
Playlist
- Someone Like You - Adele
- Coming Home - Skylar Grey
- Wait - Jason Webley
- Sandy Fishnets - Evelyn Evelyn
- Blessed Be Your Name - Newsboys
- Not Alone - Darren Criss
- Death Whispered A Lullaby - Opeth
My friend Ellen couldn't post a comment so here's her message:
ReplyDeleteAilsa, You are and have always been special, gifted in spite of CRPS. 13 is too young to encounter this beast and that is what it is - a bully, something we fight everyday to keep at bay, the pain, the exhaustion and lets not forget the sheer willpower necessary to move. You haven't rolled over and given up; you are incredibly brave and your friends and family have an extremely beautiful soul within their midst. You are right - we appreciate the little things, our empathy for anyone suffering is borne of pain and from that pain, we emerge a different person, leaving behind the things that truly don't matter and an exquisite appetite for the things that do. Soft hugs, Ellen Morrissey
It still blows my mind that someone with CRPS could find God... And to be able to find some good in such a horrible disease. You're so awesome!
ReplyDeleteAre you up at Kelburn on Thursday/Friday? We should hang out :)