Lack of Spoons = Ugh

I have for the past week told myself that I will write a blog post, and every night I've gotten home exhausted, unable to string two words together. But this ends tonight. Exhaustion, take that!


University just finished it's 3rd week, and since I went back, I've been so tired trying to get to class, not to mention the assignments that they started throwing at us on the first day. So writing my blog has been put on the back burner, but I really miss it and I'm going to try my best to write a post a week. University is tiring for any student, but when you're dealing with chronic pain, it's an achievement to simply get out of bed in the morning, and getting around the Uni campus takes everything out of you.


The best way to explain this is Christine's The Spoon Theory (http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/navigation/BYDLS-TheSpoonTheory.pdf). For those reading this who don't know it already, it's written by a woman suffering from Lupus (a condition that gives you chronic pain), and it explains how she taught her friend about what it's really like to be sick. Using spoons, she goes through her friend's day, taking away a spoon each time she does an activity like getting showered and dressed, or getting to work, to show the amount of energy simple things take out of someone suffering from chronic pain. Around my house, I will often speak in terms of spoons to explain how I'm feeling and how my day's been, because it's so much easier to say a number, than try to explain how I actually feel.


So basically, every day I get up and get out of bed, I loose a spoon. Getting my bag packed, and getting down my path takes up another. My third spoon goes once I walk from the taxi to my lecture theatre. The effort it takes for me to stay concentrated throughout an hour's class, and take notes when I can, takes away my fourth for the day, and I've only been up for two hours. On a day when I'm more sore than usual, haven't slept, or when my medications are making me extra drowsy, an hour's class can take two or three spoons, which means that by midday, I can only have two spoons to get through the remainder of my day.


After awhile, you do learn how to conserve spoons, doing things like packing your bag or looking out your clothes the day before if you have a leftover spoon for the day, but on the whole, I'm lucky if I can make it to dinner time with enough energy to do my homework before bed. But I manage. Just like anyone else with chronic pain does. It's hard, and yes, most days, I would be much happier to stay in my pajamas all day, resting on the couch. But the way I see it, CRPS has already taken so much away from me, and if I didn't make the effort to get to University, it would take away my chance to see friends, too. People sometimes say to me that they don't know how I do it, or how any of my other friends with chronic pain do it, either. While I didn't choose to get CRPS, and if I could, I'd give it back to the Universe in a blink of an eye, I've got it now and it's not going anywhere. At least going to University gives me a little sense of normality and reminds me of the person I used to be. On some days, I like seeing a glimpse of the person I was before I got CRPS, but there are days when I get upset, thinking about who I could have been, instead of who I am now. I never imagined this was how my life would turn out, and honestly, I haven't even begun to think about how I'm going to live the rest of my life with this constant, annoying, painful companion CRPS, but I think with the support of the CRPS/RSD community, and my family & friends I'll get there. I have no other choice.


Anyway, I'm off to put more antibacterial cream on my new tattoo, and you'll hear from me next week. Promise! I'm putting it into my diary now!


Blog Playlist

• Against The Night - Jason Webley
• Sandy Fishnets - Evelyn Evelyn
• Goodbye Forever Once Again - Jason Webley
• Almost Time To Go - Jason Webley
• Bad Wine & Lemon Cake - Amanda Palmer
• A Brand New Me - Bitter Ruin
• Still - Jason Webley
• Disappear - Jason Webley
• You Only Want Me 'Cause You Want My Sister - Evelyn Evelyn
• Ways To Love - Jason Webley
• Raise Them Higher - Jason Webley
• Have To Drive - Amanda Palmer
• The Ship Song - Amanda Palmer
• Soldier - Bitter Ruin
• Last Song - Jason Webley
• Exit Music (To A Film) - Amanda Palmer